Today Jonah is one month old! He weighs 7lbs 14oz, up from the 6lbs 6oz he weighed when he was born, way to go Jonah! It's also Memorial Day, so my husband had off work and we planned on a nice birthday relaxing with Jonah and hopefully taking at least a few cute photos. After we visit with Jonah a bit my husband has convinced me to go over to his brother's for a Memorial Day Cookout. They planned it in Milwaukee so we wouldn't have to drive far and we would only be gone a few hours. Plus, it's good for us to get out of the hospital everyone keeps telling me.
Jonah was breathing pretty hard and retracting a bit. Intercostal retracting is where the area under their ribs pulls in with each breath. Jonah had always done it a little but the resident on duty thought it looked a bit more severe so he ordered another chest X-Ray and told us not to worry, it was only a precaution. I honestly didn't think much of it.
I had gotten in the habit of pumping in Jonah's room behind a curtain since the pumping "room" (cubby) in this wing was pretty tiny and public and there was only one so it was often busy. Plus, Jonah had a private room so other than doctors and nurses no one really came in. So I've got the curtain all around me when there is a knock on the door and I hear a half dozen people come in. They ask if they can speak with us, husband is holding Jonah and my mom is out there too and I'm in here so I can hear but not see. Sure, I say. And they tell us that Jonah has reherniated. They're very sorry....this happens sometimes....he'll need another surgery....this is why the breathing has gotten worse....glad they caught it....they'll have someone come talk to us....it was really just a blur. We had to start all over? We were going to do this again? We weren't almost done? No! Not fair! Nothing about this whole thing was fair but this was especially cruel! I alternated between being numb and I'm embarassed to say feeling very selfish. I wanted to take my baby home! I wanted to enjoy some of my maternity leave doing the things normal moms got to do! I wanted Jonah to be at home, in his own crib, in our house, with our dog! I write this not because I'm proud of the thoughts but because they were my honest thoughts at the time. Now having been so close to the other side of the world, where people don't get to bring home their babies at all, or at least not ever getting to live "normal" lives, makes me ashamed I was so selfish. But it is what I thought and therefore I share it so that you understand you're not alone in feeling the same way at times during your NICU stay. It's understandable...and once you're home for a while, then you'll realize it wasn't the end of the world. But at that moment, heaven forbid the person that tries to tell you that! Luckily no one was foolish enough to tell me that I was being selfish and I was able to discover it for myself after we got home and the world got back to normal.
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